be free my little fox.

Your sweetness and friendship makes my heart swell. I'm sorry my new little home is computer free and my moments of blogging are simply unexistant these days. I wish i could show you my life. i wish i could show you the world. I wish i could hug your little snag face right now. I wish i could take all the bad in this world away from you. Have a beautiful trip little girl. be free. be wild. be the little lady i know you've always dreamed of as you travel this beautiful world. You know now more than ever....im yours, and im yours forever with love. I love you crazy little fox.

forgivness

I will be able to forgive and forget....I know I will. I know because I know that sometimes people do and say things that they dont really mean. I know that we as humans go through so much in life....ups and downs....different stages and sometimes we do actions that are not us, we are humans and we all make mistakes. I have made plenty. That is life. I believe in the power of communication and honesty more and more every day of this life. that alone will overcome anything. I hope one day you will take the step to opening up the communication lines again. My heart still hurts. today especially.....

But I will forgive you my dear friend, I can assure you that.

via* heart

Breds

On Monday night I got a text, a beautiful text. It was from my best friend in Eugene..... he said

"Salem dutch bros. 1pm. tomorrow?"

my response: "I'll see you there."

And at 1pm yesterday I pulled into the dutch bros parking lot in Salem OR only to find my best friend in the world, my soul, my life partner sitting on a bench with a smile so big it could blind you. We drove way out in the country side we walked miles and miles through a vineyard that was absolutly mind blowing. We were the only people in the world it seemed. We laughed untill our sides ached, we cried, and we stared at one another in silence....and we were pouring over our tops with gratitude for such a beautiful friendship. He has me and I have him, and with that we will always feel alive. I will never go a day in my life without smiling, as long as I have my Breds by my side. And I am certain that I always will. 5 years down, forever to go.

stay strong..

Today is one of those days when I have to try a little harder than usual to see all the beauty that this life and this world has to offer me. My heart hurts. Someone hurt it and I will absolutely be just fine. I will. I'm such a strong woman, and I am such a good friend to the people who are truly deserving of it....every so often you put that little bit extra into someone who just simply doesn't realize how good it is, and maybe just doesn't deserve it as much right now. I feel so thankful that one very strong quality i have is the ability to forgive and stay optimistic. I have so much love for him and I always will be there to support certain things in his life.....but u did hurt my heart a little. But Ill be fine.

"i love you, and i know you, and you’re a different person than you think you are. bigger and wilder and nicer. your heart is the best heart in town. can you please remember that?" Merissa de los Santos

the peacock

Halloween is such an amazing holiday. Every year i stress a bit about a costume idea, yet I always seem to pull together something pretty creative last minute. This year I made a peacock costume! All I did that day was work a 14 hr shift, but we were sooooo busy and I basically got to people/costume watch all day! What did everyone else do?

morning treats...

you know what are the best? Those morning talks. When you wake up next to that amazing person....when you roll over and open your eyes and a huge smile grows on your face as your realize that it is not just a dream, that you really are lying next to that certain someone. And then when you lay there for awhile all tangled up in one another and have those little simple morning talks...... that is enough to make anyones day. Especially mine:)

The crisp fall days like today make me feel unbroken and reinforced once again. The oranges and yellows cover my entire street like a blanket(seriously!) and the beautiful bright trees frame my lovely little life.

Portland is beautiful, and I am grateful to be here, for I feel like this city and I have been waiting our whole lives to wrap our arms around eachother and life a happy future tangled up in one another.

My house is sooo beautiful,my roomie is my heart and soul, my lover is just so....ahhh...amazing. I am so lucky. I love you fall.

via heart

please....

pretty please friend.....

I beg you not to hurt me....

i don't deserve it. i really don't.

my existence

I woke up this morning after one of those life changing nights of sleep. I made my tea out of lavender and mint from my very own yard, I watered my plants, I ate a banana....and I walked down to Powells where i set my soul free for 3 1/2 hours. I bought 2 new books. A novel by Marisa De Los Santos that I will share mofe information about when I am done reading it. I also bought Eat play love by Elizabeth Gilbert which i have heard so much about for so long I had to just get it and im ecstatic to read it! My dad called and he asked about my bookstore trip and I told him what the book was about and he said "oh great, another inspiration for you to do what i've come to accept you will inevitably do at some point in your life.

Anyway. It's rained off and on al day and I have been sitting here with my blanket wrapped around my shoulders and I have read, then wrote for a bit, then read a bit more, made a bit more tea, wrote a teeny bit, then read quite a bit more. My room is my own palace. All i have is my beautiful life and my mental picture machine (a wise man once called it)....and I am one of the luckiest people alive.

simple reminders...

-take in all the little pieces of advice in life....there is more of it around you, right there before your eyes. You just have to see it, and take it all in.

my forever favorite

You don’t need to change a thing about you babe
I’m telling you
From where I sit, you’re one of a kind
Relationships, I don’t know why, they never work you and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind
Well I been down and I need your help I’ve been feeling sorry for myself
Don’t hesitate to boost my confidence
I been lost and I need direction, I could use a little love-protection
What do you say, honey, come to my defense?
I’ll stand up for you if it’s what you need and I can take a punch, I don’t mind to bleed
As long as afterwards you feel bad for me
And you give me all of your attention I got deep desire and it needs quenchin’
I think that’s pretty plain for you to see
Hell, enough about me and more about you cause that’d be the gentlemanly thing to do
I hope you like your men sweet and polite
I thought I was done with telling you but I ain’t nearly halfway through
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
I got a few more things I’d like to say to you tonight
You don’t need to change a thing about you babe
I’m telling you
From where I sit you’re one of a kind
Relationships, I don’t know why, they never work out and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind
You always did kind of drive me crazy and pissed me off ‘cause I let it faze me
But I never wanted my time with you to end
Now I’m back in town for a day or two and mostly I came back just to see you
I’m leaving now but I don’t want to go
You don’t need to change a thing about you babe
I’m telling you
From where I sit you’re one of a kind
Relationships, I don’t know why, they never work out and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind

my trip to an oasis of serinity

This is such a beautiful whimsicle of a life i am creating and falling to for myself. It has been such a beautiful week for me. Remember my last post? Well on Sunday night I escaped everything but love and warmth and went to his home, his oasis of serinity. My bones were no longer cold, my skin was no longer dry or untouched, my soul no longer felt lost. His fingers through my hair and on every single inch of my skin....woke up at 2pm the next day with a delightful breakfast made and placed on my lap, and an afternoon of music making,sweet summer kisses, and frisbee games. That evening brought the same...i never turned my phone on, i never had any worries.....it was beautiful. The girls were there the whole time as well showering me with all the love I could have ever imagined to get from friends. I woke up after a 40hr straight dreamland of all this and accepted and recapped it all in my mind on the I-5 corridor.....i had to go to my mother ocean. And I did, and she wrapped her big beautiful arms around me and swollowed me in. I jumped in and washed the sweet kisses off my skin as the sun set behind her. It was truly so beautiful...words will never be able to describe the beautiful way i began this lovely week.

forgetting to forget you

It's a time when i need to focus on writing again. Tonight I tried to meet up with my friends after keeping my distance for some time...and i ducked out the door of the bar, said nothing...and i got on my bike and i road, i road as fast as my little legs could peddle me into the night, through the wind...away from everyone off with the stars. We as humans always kind of want what we can't have and when we have it we are over it....I think of myself as a grateful person. I am grateful that such and increadable man is fascinated by my everything and radiates with happiness when he is in my presence. However, i am having a hard time feeling grateful for the fact that my mind travels further and further off with the stars every day i am in his company. My mind and the stars always fine themselves revolving around the same old person as usual.....that beautiful man who always steals my focus of passion. The one I never really have been with, the one that over years we have had only a couple of cuddle puddle hangouts, but they were so beautiful....and they constantly take my mind away with the stars when im where I was tonight....I know his mind isn't off with the stars and my mind and heart.....But he is beautiful and time and time again i feel like i have no control over where and when my mind and heart goes....

"we could sit beneath the evening let the day turn blue, I could never let the darkness replace the thought of you. Come on darlin lets catch that train to wherever we call god, honey its a message who said so....maybe not. It's just you and I, baby you and I. When all the world turns into hospitals and jails...I can always count of your love to be my bed. We'll go travelin' on year to year.....just you and I my dear.....it'll be the same every year."

wishful thinking....

Why does blood turn brown when it dries
?

Why do the tears well up in your eyes?


Why didn't I learn to ride my bike?


When it was warm and sunny outside
?

Why can't little kids tie their shoes
?

Why can't the white people play the blues?


Why can't I fall in love with you, It must be because of the seasons
,


When the leaves start falling from the trees


When the birds start flirting with the bees


When the wind starts blowing from the East to the West
,

Maybe you'll be the one that I like best



Clouds start forming I can't complain
'Cause I think we might be in need of some rain


When it starts pouring
Don't hide away without me



I bought an umbrella big enough for two
,but it feels pretty empty under here without you


Dry as a bone but I'm still alone
I'm so gray



When you're standing in a puddle with wet feet


And your head is sore from pounding drops of sleet


When the cold and lonely hours put your heart to the test


Maybe I'll be the one that you like best



If the sky can open its eyes
And cry from up above
Let's shed some tears of joy
And fall in love

Ditty bops

its a wild world

This is the beauty that I thought to myself in my head as a little girl of how I wanted to live when I grew up. This all that i have created for myself here is actually more than my little child mind could fathom when I dreamed for a lovely place i would call home one day.....its more amazing, more beautiful, its more peaceful, and it just feels better than I knew it ever could.  I have to say....I am very pround of myself.

First I would like to present one before picture from a month and a half ago when I moved into this house.  Then I will show all my latest shots of the yard......and maybe everyones questions of where I got all day when no one can find me will be answered.

And now my recent beautiful creation.....

.I just can only hope that others enjoy this beauty the way that I do.

I've fallen in love, and it feels lovely.

I may hold the world record for finding true love so quickly upon moving to a new place. I have met so many beautiful people in the month I have lived in Portland, but more so than anything I have found 3 very special people who I can so confidently believe that we were all placed in this universe to spend our lives together. We just had our one week friendship anniversary yesterday, which absolutly blows my mind. Andrew and Angie and myself have traveled to the beach and back and traveled deep into the depths of eachothers life faster than I ever have with any one other person in my life. A drop of rain fell from the sky the other night and then one fell from my eye with sadness that the three of us would not be able to crawl into our beautiful little nest bed of down fluffy blankets we had made in my backyard. We curled up together for 6 nights straight under a blanket of stars in the sky....and every morning I woke up not remembering falling asleep, just remembered laughing and smiling and then all of the sudden it was morning. I love my new life, I love my new friends. I am the luckiest girl in the world, and Portland is and will forever be my home. It is true beautiful peace here.

a feeling of motherhood

I have put so much time and devotion and love into my yard, and most of all the many many rose bushes that fill my yard. Well the rewarding time and season of my new babies comming to life is here!!!! I MIGHT have a total of 15 flowers that are bloomed in my yard, and there is probably a total of about 1,500 that should bloom over the next couple weeks.(and no, that is NOT an exageration) Anyway i can't began to explain how powerfully wonderful it makes me feel inside to finally see some of my many children that I have devoted myself to finally come to life.

my new creation and my new palace...

I don't understand what exactly it is that I did in this lifetime of mine to deserve this beautiful life and this beautiful home that I have got for myself. I have put every free moment I have into my new palace that I am crazy in love with. I have not wrote in so long, partly because I have enjoyed so much of my free time with my new best friend.....my yard, my garden. My new yard is peace. Complete peace is harder to find than you may think. But the palace and the beautifu garden I have created in my yard is something that I personally find as complete peace

momma

I am so blessed to have such an amazing momma. She is my best friend and I am so thankful for that. It has been such a true blessing to watch our relationship change and grow over the years and more than anything it has truly been so incredible to see how much i resemble her more and more and the years go on. My heart hurts a bit today that I can't be with my special mommy...but soon, i know soon, we will be back in the same area code. I know in my heart that she knows that she is always in my heart, especially today. thank you momma for life, for love, and for raising me to be the woman that I am today. I can only hope to the anything close to the unbelievable woman you are one day

Kato Mate

I have not wrote in so long because I have been in the chaotic move to Portland, and never really had internet or really 2 seconds to breathe. I feel great, i have an amazing feeling of clarity sitting here on my bed in my room that is finally all put together in this new palace I have. My last week in Eugene was something that changed me for life. It was truly the most increadable realization of how loved and lucky i really am. I was showered with beautiful momentos, cards, photos, and even a huge going away party with some of the most increadable people I have ever met, topped with some insanely lovely moments with some special portland lovers too:) I am such a lucky woman, and I feel well acomplished. Also I started at my new job today, and I just have to turn the experience into a more positive thing, which being said......it only made me really apreciate what I had in Eugene. I finally broke free those doors after my shift and fell to the ground sobbing in tears. It was terrible! anyway, kato Mate, all is well.....i am grateful

canon???

anever in my life used a cannon before but I set out on a mission to learn how the other night. I want one, enough said.